Queen of cabaret and our very own agony aunt, Fonda Cox, solves your wedding conundrums…
My dog is my life and I want him to be our best man. My fiancé is hell-bent on having our ceremony in a country house that doesn’t allow dogs. How can I change his mind?
You want the dog to be your best man? That’s going to lead to one hell of a ruff speech after dinner! I have a hard time accepting dogs within a relationship, because my ex had a chihuahua that used to show me more affection than my ex ever did. My advice would be to ditch the dog as they only ever cause arguments in a household where one loves dogs more than the other. But I know you’re not going to go for that, so why don’t you just get married outside the country house where surely the dog is allowed to roam freely in the grounds – and after the ceremony you can leave him in the car with his favourite blanket and a window open a crack, while you and the dog go for a lovely walk in the woods!
We’re on the countdown to our wedding and my fiancée is having regular spray tans – she’s getting more orange every week. How can I (tactfully) prevent her from turning into David Dickinson before our big day?
Oh no, I know exactly the type you mean – the only people that can eat an entire family bag of Wotsits without appearing to stain their fingers. I think you have no choice but to switch her shower gel with Domestos. Sure, her hair may fall out but surely marrying Kojak has far more kudos than marrying an oompah loompa?
My partner’s a swinger – Sinatra, Dean Martin, you name it – whereas I’m more of a metalhead. How can we avoid murder on the dancefloor?
Your partner’s a swinger eh? How exciting. I’d imagine with a hobby like that it’s not murder on the dancefloor that you should be worried about, but more bodily fluids, which can be a terrible slip hazard. Oh hang on I fear I may have misinterpreted your question – you want to turn your wedding into a mosh pit, while your partner prefers a smoother sound.
Darling, remember – at a wedding, the women will wear all manner of wired headpieces, fascinators, hats and such. You encourage any energetic headbanging and those things could fly across the dancefloor like a ninja throwing star. Utter bloodbath! Take my advice – avoid both of your tastes and stick with the more traditional Black Lace classic party track Agadoo. No one ever lost a limb pushing pineapples or shaking trees.
My partner is a terribly messy eater. Behind closed doors this isn’t a problem, but the thought of her tackling smoked haddock soup, beef stroganoff and raspberry pavlova – wearing the lot and smelling like an Aberdeen fishmonger – is giving me sleepless nights. Should I insist we change to a finger buffet?
I’m guessing she’ll be in a wedding dress, so just ensure that the fabric is a lovely satin – it’s very smooth and wipes clean easily. Trust me, I’ve worn satin on many nights in saunas and I can simply wipe off anything that comes at me! Failing that, have two trains made for her dress and use the second one as a giant bib. The last thing you want to do is give a messy eater a finger buffet – one glance at a chocolate éclair and she’ll look like she fisted the vicar!
My mother-in-law-to-be has announced she’ll be delighted to sing at our wedding – and I’m the only one who thinks her voice is ghastly. How can I head her off without causing an upset?
No one wants to hear a cats’ chorus at a wedding. I have a friend who sounds very similar – she sings in piano bars all the time because she loves the live accompaniment, and I have to say, sometimes I’m very jealous of her voice. Do you know, she can sing in any key… and eventually the pianist will track it down and play along! My best advice would be to buy some of those sugar glasses that they use in films to smash over actors’ heads, and have her rehearse her repertoire in front of you and your friends. As she sings, be sure to make everyone squeeze their glasses till they shatter – then insist that her voice has far too strong a clarity to risk her performing at your wedding, because no one wants to see the bride in a Pinot Noir stained frock. She’ll be flattered and you won’t need to put earplugs in the wedding favours.
My partner is so stingy – when we ordered cheap matching suits for our wedding, I secretly returned mine and had a bespoke version made in Savile Row. Now he thinks we should share bank accounts. How can I convince him that some things are not for sharing?
I quite agree, the only thing in this world that was meant for sharing is herpes! How can you surprise him with lavish gifts or weekends away when he has access to all your debit card transactions on your bank statement? Not to mention him discovering that you’d left a few zeros off that ‘£30’ coat. Nope! A shared bank account has divorce written all over it. And if he’s so cheap, does he have money to share? It doesn’t sound like you stand to gain anything. Tell him that he needs to keep his finances separate if he wants to continue to successfully claim single person’s tax credits. That should shut him up!
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is available for hire – email firstname.lastname@example.org